My sister read this to me and it was quite funny. So I'm sharing. Enjoy!
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
4 comments:
Number 13 and number 20 gave me a laugh (but, so did all the other ones!) Thanks!
That's perfect. I love it!
I love 16 & 17... like I used to tell bad-guys I was interviewing on the streets "God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason." Of course I only said this to the males. ~ It's about time you posted again :-)
I used to love the old SNL "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey. Just a wild guess, but I'm betting you did, too.
They're so stupid and they make me laugh until I cry. Here are a few gems...
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what *really* throws you into a panic.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
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